I didn’t sleep much last night. I know, SURPRISE! What the Hell else is new? But last night was a particularly bad one. In addition to the usual fussing, flailing, squirming, and grunting, we had a fair amount of full blown crying, from both Corbin and me. While my husband irritatingly, peacefully enjoyed his Valium-induced coma not 12 inches away. Meanwhile, I kept checking the time on my phone until I gave up in depression, realizing that even if Corbin DID fall asleep RIGHTNOW, my alarm was going to go off in 30 minutes.
Then I go to work to find a bunch of annoying stuff that didn’t get taken care of because I was off yesterday.
Then I went to pump. Pumping is drudgery. I LOVE nursing, but I HATE pumping. The PITA that is pumping is actually the reason I ended up weaning Lola before I would have otherwise wanted to. I just couldn’t take the pumping anymore. I have to do it 3 times every work day, and that still doesn’t yield enough to fulfill what he consumes while I’m gone. That is a source of endless frustration and devastating feelings of inadequacy. Lola would shun her bottles and never needed much while I was away. Corbin, not so much. I find that irrationally insulting.
So today, I reached in my bag full of pump stuff that I have to haul around with me everywhere, and in the side pocket I saw some weird pink polka dot thing. What the heck is that? It was Lola’s baby doll’s pajamas.
She was being really cute with her baby doll yesterday; wearing her around in her tiny pouch sling, repeatedly burping her, etc. Then she took off her doll’s little pink outfit. “She’s too warm. She just wants to wear her t shirt.” And apparently she stuck it in the diaper bag I use for my pump parts.
It cheered me up so much. I think about my kids all the time when I’m at work. Especially after the second kid, I HATE having to work full time. Hate it! Usually I’m just thinking about them, and how precious they are. In this case, I could actually SEE in my mind Lola rolling that little doll outfit up and sticking it in the diaper bag (just like she has repeatedly seen me do with Corbin’s clothes.) It’s such a mundane instant in a whole day, but actually having my fingers find a tangible connection to my daughter while I’m stuck here away from her for 10.5 hours, it warmed my whiney heart.