I’ve been sick for a couple of days now. I can’t describe the sickness, really. It’s not a cold, and it doesn’t really feel like the flu. It’s a general feeling of nausea and exhaustion. Which has now prompted at least 3 people to say, “Maybe you’re pregnant.” They think they’re so funny. They each say it with this look of amusement on their faces.
“No,” I’ve assured them, “Not unless the baby is going to be born in a manger.”
But then all of a sudden they all started to get to me. OMG, what if I AM pregnant? That actually is the kind of sick it feels like. This is what I look like every time I say or think that phrase:
Except, well, human. ish.
My baby is four flippin months old. I can’t imagine being that sick again while dealing with an infant and a three year old. More importantly, we really and truly no joke CANNOT afford another kid. That would be reallyscarybad news.
And then I talked to Brian about the facts of the matter, and I realized that I’m not pregnant. It would be next to impossible. I would say completely impossible, but I don’t want it to sound like a dare or anything.
Thank God, right!? But…I guess it wouldn’t have TOTALLY sucked (she said sheepishly.) See, I know deep down that we can’t have any more kids. Not unless we win the lottery. And since we don’t PLAY the lottery, the odds of that are not very good. And really, I’m super sad about that fact. When I visited my cousin in the maternity ward last week, walking down the hallways nearly brought me to tears. I’m sad that it won’t ever be my turn again.
I know. I could seriously NOT handle another pregnancy anyway; pregnancy is not kind to me. And y’all have probably noticed that I’m a bit overwhelmed by TWO kids. But what it really comes down to is money. That makes it extra crappy, too. But that’s the way it is. If by some miracle we are able to finally get some luck in that regard that isn’t BAD luck, we will MAYBE be able to start catching up. We will NOT be able to afford another child. Period.
Bottom line is: it’s a REALLY good thing that I’m not pregnant, especially right NOW. But a totally shocking catastrophe is the only way it would ever happen again for me, so my maternal side had a brief moment of being bummed that this isn’t that catastrophe.