Wednesdays With the Kids #3

– On my mornings off, when Lola gets out of bed before I do, she always has an interesting way of waking me up.  This morning it is shoving a plastic lantern in my face and demanding new batteries.  Good morning to you, too, sweetheart. I send her to the bathroom and tell her I’ll meet her there.

– When I get there, she has put the toilet paper roll in the sink, so I put it on the holder where it belongs.  As we exit the bathroom, she says, “member when we came in and I put the toilet paper in the sink and you took it out and you put it over there?”  Um, yes, honey, that happened 12 seconds ago.  It wasn’t, like, back in ‘Nam or anything.

– And then the most popular question in our house lately: “Can I have some candy?”  No, honey, you haven’t even had any breakfast.  To which she responds, “Let’s make a deal.  I can have candy and then eat my breakfast.  Does that sound like a deal?”  LOL, those are some high level negotiating skills right there.  But sadly, no match for mom.

– Corbin has begun making the most annoying whining sound in the world.  Remember in Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey claimed to make the most annoying sound in the world?  Well, close, Jim, but Corbin’s got you beat.  I deduce that he is hungry based on the way he tries to attach himself by mouth to any exposed piece of my flesh that comes anywhere near his face.  Sometimes babies are a lot like leaches.  Cuter though.

When I typed “Dumb and dumber most annoying sound” into google images, Sarah Palin was one of the pictures that came up.  I’m not lying!  Google is so funny!

– Lola has started doing this thing where she asks “what is that such and such?” and you have no idea how to answer because she basically stated what it was in the question itself.  (e.g. “What are those train tracks?”  How do you answer that?  Sweetie, those are tracks that trains go on is the best I’ve got.)  This morning:  We are downstairs throwing in a load of laundry.  We keep the litter box in the laundry room in the basement.  Lola: “What is that cat poop?”  Well, honey, that’s cat poop.

-It turns out that my Wednesdays with the kids involve a lot of trips to the pediatrician’s office, thanks to Corbin, and today is no exception.  Lola is oddly crazy about going to the Dr, but when it comes time to leave she decides to embarrass me in the waiting room by first refusing, and then HIDING UNDER THE FLIPPIN TRAIN TABLE.  If that damn train table isn’t infecting my kids with Ebola or God knows what, it’s providing shelter to my very naughty three year old.  First, I tell her I’m counting to three.  And everyone in the place rolls their eyes with that “what kind of ineffectual parent ARE YOU?” look.  But you guys, counting to three actually works with Lola!  Except this time.  So all those eye rolling bastards feel vindicated.  Then I tell her to come out or I’m coming under there to get her, in a tone that makes it clear she will NOT like that option.  And my snotty audience LOVES that one.  You KNOW they’re hoping she calls my bluff just so they can feel superior.  Well not this time, jerks!  Lola comes out, and I pick her up and carry her, wailing and wriggling, to the car.  As well as carrying Corbin.  IN his carseat.  And does anyone even get the damn door for me?  No!  One lady DOES have the nerve to click her tongue disapprovingly, though.  And in my head I think of this quote:

-Lola wants spaghetti with meatballs for lunch.  I’m assuming everyone with small kids understands the magnitude of that, right?  15 minutes into lunch she has spaghetti sauce on every part of her skin and clothing.  And because that wasn’t enough, she decides that the frosted cookie I gave her for dessert would make a really good crown and her hair is then full of frosting. 

– Bath time!  How likely do you suppose it is that babies pee pretty much every time we submerge them in that nice, warm bathwater?  I’m thinking pretty likely.  But how do you know?  And what do you do about it?  You can’t, and nothing.  I guess I’ll just try not to think about the fact that I’m probably washing my baby’s face and hair with … that.  Except now I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

– The kids are out of the tub, and as I’m dressing Corbin, Lola slips, bumps the counter and tells me “I hurt my chin.”  I repeat the second most popular phrase in our house these days, You need to be more careful.  To which she responds, “Actually, I mean it hurt all by itself.”  Oh, right.

– Corbin’s superhuman swiftness of nail growth apparently extends to his toes as well, to my great frustration.  Y’all, his inability to hit those physical milestones is NOT due to lack of strength.  I will attest to that after trying to clip his tiny toenails while he tried to worm his way out of that process for what felt like 9 hours!  I don’t remember going through all this with Lola.  I still rarely have to clip her nails.  I think she cares for them herself, like a cat.

-After four rousing rounds of Mamas and Babies Memory, Lola kicks my ass at Candyland THREE times in a row.  I think the start of my downfall was getting cocky when I landed on Pepperment Pass my first time out of the gate.

– Night-night, kiddos!  Mommy needs a break. I don’t get one though.  First there’s that whole co-sleeping with Corbin thing.  But also, Lola, who is a very good sleeper, comes into our bed in the middle of the night.  I am a supporter of safe co-sleeping (whole other post, keep your criticism to yourself for now,) but the whole “family bed” thing- not. for. me.  Except, when I tell Brian to bring her back to bed she says she can’t because there’s a spider in there.  Now, she has been playing this “lets run away from invisible spiders” thing all day.  But still, remember in the first Saw movie when that little girl keeps saying there’s a man in her room, and of course her parents think it’s silly and then there IS a man in her room!?  Let’s hope that wasn’t the case with the spider, cause I wasn’t in the mood to sleep with a 3 year old who I think does some serious kung fu fighting in her sleep.  Come to think of it, the spider wouldn’t stand a chance anyway.


19 thoughts on “Wednesdays With the Kids #3

  1. These captured moments are hysterical! (I especially loved your daughter’s “Remember when” moment. My daughter used to do that and I’d think, “Huh??” And those toys at pediatricans’ offices? I swear they’re how they “build” their sick child business…

  2. The whole counting to three thing works wonders with Saarah. I usually only get to “One” before she realizes that it would be a good idea to listen. Also, people will tell you that time-outs don’t work with two year olds, but they were the most effective form of punishment for Saarah when she was that age. Next time people give you looks when you warn Lola with the “count to three”, turn around and tell them to stop making faces by the time you get to three, and then just start counting. I bet they change their faces really quickly.

    Also, I tried the Google Image search, and lo-and-behold, there’s Sarah Palin’s mug, staring back at me. That’s hilarious.

  3. I love Lola’s questions… they’re like Zen koans!

    Miles blatantly pees in the tub, standing up. Then tells me to flush the toilet. It’s usually the first thing he does when his feet hit the water.

    • LOL! Yes, one day, when Lola was smaller, and I put her in the tub while it was still filling, I SAW her pee right in it. And I pulled her out, and changed out the water, and then it hit me- you do that every time don’t you!? I just hadn’t seen it before.

  4. Fae was doing a similar most-annoying-sounding whine for a couple months, but reading about Corbin made me realize that she rarely does it anymore–thank God!

    And I hate it when people give mom’s judgement looks about parenting. Can’t those judgers just realize that moms know what’s best and what works with their own kids?

  5. I laughed out loud at least six times during this post. I liked it so much that I read it to my husband tonight – hilarious and so true! Love your blog, Stephanie!

  6. i LIVE for Wed with the Kids. I want it to be a show on TV. ”Actually, I mean it hurt all by itself.” is perhaps the best invention ever and i WILL be trying it with Karl.
    i.e. i think i washed a red hoodie with your white workshirts to ‘actually, i mean the red hoodie washed itself with your white workshirts.’ Perfect.

    • Sounds like a plan. I did something similar with Brian once, but I just blamed everything on him. “You left the milk out.” “No, YOU left the milk out!” No matter what he said. “You forgot to pay the water bill.” “No, YOU forgot to pay the water bill!” It was funny. More to me than to him.
      “you stepped on my foot.” “No, YOU stepped on your foot!”
      Good times.

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