The dangerous side of motherhood.

Back when Lola was in her crawling stage, I tripped over a baby gate.  Not a little “whoops, that was kind of embarrassing” kind of tripped.  I mean I seriously crashed and burned.  I caught my back foot, and I saw it all happening, and I tried to grab the wall, but that didn’t prevent my epic tumble.  And I wound up in a heap on the floor with a broken baby gate and a shoulder I was CERTAIN was dislocated and I still have a scar on my leg. 

Who knew baby gates were so DANGEROUS!? Or at least, they are when you’re a klutz.  Which, walking around in the sleepless fog of motherhood could turn a NORMAL person into a klutz.  My clumsy ass didn’t stand a chance.

Little did I know, the many dangers of motherhood would continue to reveal themselves to me for YEARS to come.  This mommy business ain’t for sissies.  Some of the standouts:

– Kids have hard heads!  This fact will be made painfully (literally) apparent to a mother MANY MANY times.  I have taken a wicked head butt to the face or clavicle sooo many times.  I have been luckier than some moms I know, in that I’ve never sustained an ACTUAL broken nose or black eye.  (Although, every time, I SWEAR that this is the head butt that finally did it.)  My least favorite so far is getting a blow upwards to the bottom of my chin and nearly biting off portions of my tongue.  Can you imagine walking into the ER after sustaining this type of injury?  Because that’s what I think of every time.  Trying to explain to the dubious Dr. that “no, I swear, that little blonde bundle of curls with the lollipop in her mouth is the one who beat the crap out of me.  I’m thinking of suing for medical costs.”

– I suppose that at this point it probably seems like I talk about NOTHING else in my life, but- those damn baby fingernails!!!!  I cut Corbin’s nails THREE days ago, and yet, as I type this, I can see scabs on my left arm and my right breast where the little daggers got me last night.  He likes to sort of knead either the back of my arm or my boob itself while he’s nursing.  I imagine he picks those particularly soft and sensitive areas because he is a sadist.  Sadists were babies once, too.

– Driving.  Driving becomes more challenging when you’ve got kids.  Just the distractions are enough.  Until very recently, Corbin screamed like his pants were on fire every time he was in his carseat.  We seem to have put the worst of that behind us, thank God.  But the new fun thing is that Lola spends the WHOLE time talking and asking questions.  It’s like this:  “Where are we going?  Who’s gonna be there?  Is Grandma gonna be there?  Is Michael gonna be there?  Will there be 3 people there?  10 people? Look at those dandylines; they are soooo beautiful. What are those traintracks.  I see clouds.  I need my window down.  A little more.  A little less.  More dandylines!!”  And then she drops her Woody doll and whines about it until you’re PRAYING to hit a red light so you can quick put the car in park and try to retrieve said doll.  But the best part is when she wants you to play Red Light Green Light.  As in, when SHE says Red Light you stop, etc.  I have to admit that I’ve indulged her in this too many times.

– Tiny plastic toys hurt like a MOTHER when you step on them.  And they are ALWAYS secretly lurking right in your path.  I’m not entirely convinced they don’t place themselves there, Toy Story style, as revenge for you giving them to your hyper toddler.  And 9 times out of 10, you’re going to be so thrown off by the pain of the Lego in your heel, that you’re gonna jam your knee into the coffee table.

– Puddles of pee are slippery.  I’m just sayin’.

– And then there are the truly hidden dangers.  I constantly have unaccounted for bruises and scrapes.  I imagine if you have, say, 6 or 7 kids, you basically go through a large portion of your life looking like you just tried your hand at demolition derby.

I feel like I’m leaving out some really good ones.  But perhaps I’ve sustained too many motherhood-induced head injuries to think of them right now.  😛


IMG_0508Does it look like we could harm a fly?

P.S. Brian’s surgery was yesterday and went very well.  Thank you for your thoughts and well-wishes.  Also, my sister had a baby last night and I can’t WAIT to meet him!  So I’ll be spending most of today in and out of hospitals.  Where at least they can treat my injuries, as Corbin is trying to claw my arm all the way OFF as I type this.  🙂



16 thoughts on “The dangerous side of motherhood.

  1. Oh, man, you are hilarious. Sidrah’s nails try to claw me in my sleep. She just wants to cuddle, you know. Hahahahahaha.

    Glad to hear that Brian is doing well and that you will be spending your day in and out of hospitals.

    Baby sadists for the win!

  2. Oh my gawd, the head butt to the bottom of the chin!!! Ouch. It’s happened too many times to count, and one time drew some serious blood. I think it freaked the kids out more than me though, as there was quickly a pile of ice packs and popsicles beside me as I sat there stunned and fought back the tears.

    Happy to hear the surgery went well. Here’s to a speedy recovery. 🙂

  3. I totally sympathize with you, especially about those baby claws. Fae likes to scrape and pinch the back of my arm when I’m holding her on my hip and she gets excited. It happens WAY to often. And just a couple days ago my husband asked me what happened to my neck and chest because I was covered in scratches. I’m always ready for people to comment on those nails. I honestly do cut them, but they grow SO fast.

    • The back of the arms are so brutal! I don’t remember Lola’s nails requiring this much care. I feel like anyone who watches him is like ‘geez, doesn’t she ever take care of those things?’ But they are superhuman!

  4. Ahahahahahaha! So true! Every little bit! Those nails, SUCK. I’ve been headbutt in the breastbone so hard that it winded me one time. That was lame. I’ve also been given a bloody lip. And if I step on one more toy, I’m going to throw it out. On the road.

  5. Many times have I thought I was going to eat the floor, tripping over a baby gate… hate those effing things. Head butts, check. Let’s not forget, for those who have breastfed tiny piranhas, BLEEDING NIPPLES. In my former life-before-children, never ever did I dream that bleeding nipples was something actual people actually endured and lived to tell about.

    • LOL Erin! No kidding! I had an unbelievable easy time nursing my first. If it hadn’t been for that great experience, I might not have toughed it out with my son. Nursing through blood blisters is for. the. birds. !

  6. LOL! A very dangeous job, this mothering gig. And I LOVED your description of Lola in the car. My son used to be like that. We drove, at night, 14 hours from Birmingham to Baltimore when he was 2 1/2; kept waiting for him to sleep. Nah, and he provided running commentary the WHOLE TIME. Our fave? “Look at that city. What city is that? It’s huge!” “Um, it’s not a city, son. It’s a lit-up car dealership. GO TO SLEEP!”

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