The Mom I Want to Be

I just read Bossypants and loved it. I know that’s just the kind of well written, entertaining hook that’s going to keep you reading this blog. “Wow! She enjoyed a wildly popular book that seems exactly like something she’d like!” Anyway, for some reason I ended up thinking about Tina Fey: She’s probably one of those awesome moms who just cherishes the crap out of every minute she spends with her kids and is just nothing but enthusiastic about mothering.

I regularly swear I’m going to be that awesome mom. And I do cherish the crap out of my kids. But I can never achieve that state of spending all of my time with them just adoring being with them.

I sit at work and I think about how awesome they are and how much I love and miss them. But sometimes I also think about how much I miss being able to sleep like a normal person, or go see a movie with my husband. And sometimes I’m with them, and I think “ugh, I wish these kids would just go away from me for a while.” And then I think, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK THOSE THINGS!!”

I really want to always be kind and encouraging. I never want to lose my temper or be indifferent to their hurts. But alas, I’m just not always the best mom. I think part of the problem is that I allow myself to think too fondly of my Life Before Children. And also, total selflessness is just something that I don’t seem to have the capacity for. I want to be able to sit on the couch and surf the net when I’m sick, dammit!

To be honest, I do a similar thing when it comes to my husband. Away from him, I think about all the great stuff he does, and the sacrifices he makes, and how much I love him. And then I walk in the door to a messy house and crying, hungry kids who watched TV all day and I just feel frustrated and annoyed. I’m not proud of these things. I want to be a better mom/wife. But this is the way it is.

So every so often, I make a commitment to enjoy all of it. To have endless, boundless energy and patience so that I can be delighted and delightful. And every time I fail. But I have my moments, too.

On Monday (Christmas Eve), I worked all morning. In my dressy skirt and sweater because I was feeling festive. And then I came home and had to bake and take care of the kids while Brian ran some errands. And when I pulled the cake out of the oven, I realized the kids really needed a bath. In which Corbin splashed and splashed like a maniac while I tried to keep my hair/makeup/clothes looking nice for the party that evening. Until I couldn’t take it and pulled him out of the tub. Where he ran around while I tried to get a diaper on him, constantly worrying whether the little puddles were from his splashing or from him peeing while still naked. He then was DETERMINED to play in the toilet no matter how much yelling and redirecting I did. Until I wound up standing in my bathroom in my dress clothes and apron, a wet little Corbin running around whining beneath me, balancing on one leg with one foot holding the toilet shut while I bent over and tried to rinse the shampoo out of a squirmy Lola the Mermaid’s hair.

And you know what? I laughed and enjoyed myself. I was stressed and exhausted (I OFTEN find myself thinking “I just really can’t keep doing this!” Only to discover that, in fact, I do keep doing it. Always.) But also delighted at these fun little people.

But by tonight or tomorrow I guarantee there are going to be at least a few minutes where I think “Jesus just stop being so difficult! If you whine one more time I’m going to lose it!” And fantasize about not being responsible for anyone but myself. So if any of you awesome moms out there have some super advice for how to stick to just the cherishing and the encouraging, send it this way. I REALLY want to be that mom!

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4 thoughts on “The Mom I Want to Be

  1. You are way ahead of me. I only got halfway through Bossypants. Okay, one-third through. I had to bring it back to the library because it was overdue and I was embarrassed to try to check it out again, because I know the librarians are keeping track of my wheelings and dealings.

    Also on the kid front. Yep, it all sounds familiar. Except for the toilet. I don’t have a kid who plays in the toilet. I have a kid who doesn’t sleep and who thinks it is fun to roar like a lion when she gets mad, and who also occasionally hits her sister for no reason. Does that count?

  2. I’ll take the hitting over the biting that goes on in my house.

    And at the risk of being depressing – I find myself thinking of those parents in Conn. Who would probably give ANYTHING to have their whiny, fussy child back. And yeah, I can find more patience and sense of humor/fun after that.

    And I’ve never heard of Bossypants before this blog. Sigh.

  3. This is why I love your blog. You are honest and real – and you have completely put into writing the thoughts that run through my head almost daily. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way because, like you, I tell myself I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I can’t help it! But I’ll tell you what snaps me out of my wishing to go back to the Pre-Kidlet Days…thinking about all the parents who wish they could have their kids back after something horrible, like CT. I don’t mean to sound too cliche or poetic – I’m serious, this is what it takes. And another thing I remind myself of is that my kids – who are eighteen months and just-turned-four – will soon become more indepenedet and won’t need me every second.

    And a large glass of wine – or two – doesn’t hurt either.

    You’re a great mom. It will get better.

    Crap, the daughter’s licking cocoa mix off of kitchen counter.

    Chow.

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